A Tale of a Christmas Card

My wife and I are in her village in Cebu, in the Philippines. I ask my mom to send me my barong tagalog, so I can wear it for our blessing ceremony in my wife's village. A couple days later, I call her up to make sure she sent it, as it is the Christmas season, and time is of the essence. She says she sent it, and that a letter or something just arrived for me. Too bad it didn't arrive the day before, she says, otherwise I could have sent it with the barong tagalog. She asks me where to send it to, and I say I don't know. I have to ask my wife.

My wife says to send it to her cousin at her job, because it would get there quicker, and be more reliable. So OK, I have to wait another day while my wife gets the full address. Then I take a jeepney into town and go to an internet cafe, and e-mail the address to my sister. Then my sister calls up my Mom, and spells out the address line by line to her.

My Mom puts the letter in another envelope, and then sends it by airmail to the Philippines.

By the time it gets to my wife's cousin at her job, I am back in Malaysia.

My wife's cousin calls my wife on her cellphone. My wife is in Manila getting ready to leave the next day to join me. She tells her cousin to hold on to the letter, because she doesn't know where I want it sent to.

My wife leaves the Philippines, and I meet her at the KL Sentral train station. After we kiss, hug, and greet each other, she tells me her cousin has a letter for me at work.

So I tell her to send it to me at my job.

My wife goes to the internet cafe once a week to check her email. On her next visit, she goes there, and emails her cousin to mail it to me at my job.

It takes a few days before her cousin can do that. She spends 40 pesos on postage.

Yesterday, there's a letter on my desk from my wife's cousin. My first thought was- why am I getting a letter from her? Then I remember my Mom saying I got a letter from someone.

I don't open it. I leave it at work, because I have business to do in town, and don't want to carry a bunch of stuff with me. AT 5pm I come back with Mr. Wong to act as a judge for the 100 meter dash contest for the form 3, 4, and 5 boys and girls. Then I grab it and my other stuff.

Finally, I take the letter home. After a nice refreshing shower, I open up the first envelope, from her cousin in Cebu.

I open up the second envelope, from my Mom in New Jersey.

I take a look at the original envelope. On it is a name and address I don't recognize at all.

I open it up, and it is just a generic Christmas card. The handwritten message inside is written in a nearly indecipherable scrawl. It seems to be wishing me and my daughter a Merry Christmas.

I don't have a daughter.

I check the envelope again. Sure enough, it is addressed to me at my Mom's address, but I still have no idea who it is that sent it, and how they know me. I'm sure no one else does either.

So after all that effort, trouble, and expense, I am left with a card I can't read from someone I don't know from I don't know where.

Sometimes my life is nothing more than an existential object lesson.

Racing Around the World

Driving in the Philippines

(My American drivers license has expired. Since my wife is a citizen here, I am trying to get a Philippine drivers license. I came across this on the web. This is really how they drive here. The scary thing is, they are probably the best drivers in Asia):


The Filipino Driver Survival Guide

When greeting a Filipino driver, slowly lower your window and be prepared to greet the driver with: "Tang namo, bobo". However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a joyful "Tang namo rin, gago".

On Turn signals
If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably greet you and you already know what to do.

On Traffic Lights
These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the colors change on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials (specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction for drivers to follow.
From pure observation I have determined the following instructions for each color:
Yellow light: accelerate your car as much as possible.
Red light: this light gives permission to the next five to six cars to go through.
Green: reduce speed and wait for the five to six cars passing through their respective red lights.

Little-known-fact: Time to start honking your horn, as soon as the light turns green: 1.5 seconds.

On Changing Lanes
Changing lanes has been elevated to an art form in the Philippines.
First of all, no matter what you do, never turn on your turn signal or otherwise you'll stimulate the reaction described above.
Second, swerve your car uncontrollably to the lane you want to change, preferably if you end up within inches of a car in that lane. At this point a greeting from the other driver may be in order. To perfect your change of lanes, reduce the speed of your car dramatically in a matter of seconds and you will see an action packed reaction from the car behind you.

On Traffic Jams
Traffic Jams are teeming with fun filled activities such as:
Honking your horn rhythmically.
Put on make-up (usually female drivers only)
Nose-pickers sightseeing. (not to be confused with people who scratch their brains through their nose)
Reduce speed to watch whatever is causing the traffic jam. Add excitement by trying to see if you know the parties involved. (note: every Filipino driver is obliged to do this)
Lose weight by sweating like a pig as a result of a lack of air conditioning.
Greeting other drivers.
Practice lane changing.
Play the game: Let's see how close I can get to you before rear-ending you.

On Pedestrians
These individuals are an annoyance to the Filipino driver. If you see pedestrians on your way, accelerate your car to let them know who's the boss. If you are at an intersection, let the pedestrians know you want to proceed by accelerating your car and honking at the last possible moment.

On Social Situations
Bumping into a friend while driving (not to be taken literally) is a joyful occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop their cars in the middle of the street and chit chat. What about other drivers? Well, they can wait.

On Highway Driving
Bottleneck Formation: To accomplish this type of driving, cars must block all lanes by driving at the same speed and side by side (to avoid other cars to pass). It is important to drive at a speed at least 20 mph below the speed limit.

The Three-Lane-Change : This movement requires a lot of precision and creativity. It should be done around the highest number of cars possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer to as widespread panic.

I Got A Blog!!!

Okay- First off let me tell you who I am.
I am an itinerant ESL teacher, who is currently teaching at a government residential school in Taiping, Malaysia.

Let me tell you where in the world I am.

Right now I am in the Philippines:

In the Province of Cebu, on Mactan Island, in Lapu-Lapu City, in Bario Buaya.


(Ignore the bright pink arrow, as it points to a resort which is much too fancy for us to afford. We are located where the red line with the black circle is, a much lower rent district.)

Why?
Because it is vacation time. I am married to a Filipina I met while I was teaching here.


(This is my favorite picture of my wife, Trien, on the beach in Phuket, Thailand during a vacation).

Her family lives in Buaya, and she hasn't seen them for almost two years. Filipinos families are very close, unlike American families. It's not easy for her to be separated from her family and friends, especially since she had lived in the same house for almost her whole life. So we are spending our six week vacation here.

Why am I writing this Blog?

Because today, Pearl Harbor Day, my wife and I went walking along the "beach", which is actually a mangrove swamp that has been cleared near the Cebu International Airport. Buaya basically sits just right of the end of the runway. So while the planes were taking off, we went looking for "shells", meaning shellfish to eat. She knew what to look for, and where to look for it. You are supposed to look for two holes close together, then reach into the mud and pull out a tiny clam. Everytime I tried to get a clam, I came up with a handful of muck, and either something singularly unappetizing or really scary looking. Meanwhile, my wife was having a good time, reliving her childhood. There was no way she was going to leave there without a bag full of tiny clams for supper. It was obvious I wasn't going to be much help, so there was nothing else for me to do but relax, slog through the mud, and think deep thoughts. That's what I did- walked along through the muck, trying to avoid getting sucked under, and thought deep thoughts. I thought many deep thoughts. I wished there was a taperecorder inside my brain so I could record all my deep thoughts.

The one deep thought I could still remember afterwards was- why don't I write a Blog? Then I can share all my deep thoughts.

Even better- I won't ever have to e-mail anybody again. My friends and family can just drop by, and see what I am up to. Or more than likely not drop by, then e-mail me asking if everything is Ok, and ask me what I have been up to.

So it was off to the internet cafe by multicab:

before I forgot that deep thought.

So here I am, making my first try at Blogging, and sharing all my rants, interests, deep thoughts, etc. with all of you, the unknown internet proletariat.

I just hope I won't be the only one reading my Blog. So tell your friends, tell the neighbors-

"John's got a Blog!!!"