Introspection

OK, so somehow I am able to Blog, I just can't see what I publish. I guess somehow in the fit of things in this part of the Internet universe, that makes sense. Little else does.

Like when I come home, and my wife is running the water in the bathroom, and nothing is coming out but mud. It seems that they are working on the water mains in front of our apartment complex, ripping up trees and digging trenches, and making a horrible mess of the landscape. And more than likely, doing a really sh***y job of it too, but this is Malaysia, and the prevailing attitude is "I just don't care". They didn't give any notice that this would happen, again, because the attitude is, "I just don't care."

Well, I do care, and I care about a lot of things people tell me I shouldn't care about. Fine. I'll write about those things later. One of the things I do care about is writing this Blog. For me, it's becoming more and more, "I think, therefore I Blog". Whatever I think about, I like to write here. I have to get this stuff down, whether anybody reads it or not. Of course, I would like others to read and enjoy what I write, but I get pleasure just from writing it.

Like Socrates or someone else said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" Right now, I think I am starting to understand what that means. I don't know if it's not worth living, but I know it's a lot less interesting, and you miss a lot of lessons a long the way. It sucks when you miss a life lesson, and then have to go through the same thing over and over, in an endless feedback loop, because you didn't take time to look at what was happening to you, and all around around you, and learn the lesson the first time. That has happened to me a lot, but as I am getting older, and hopefully wiser, it is happening less and less. The things that I do miss, usually, in my own unique myopic way, are the major things standing in front of me that I should pay more attention too. I'm learning that I have to catch something right at the beginning, and not let it get out of hand and blow up into a big issue. Sure, I've hurt people and made mistakes, and that nags at me. People may forgive me, but sometimes I just can't forgive myself. I am getting better at that, though, and learning to look deep inside of me and see what caused whatever it was, and try to deal with it courageously. It hurts to suddenly see yourself not as you think you are, but through the eyes of reality.

As George Santayana said, "Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." I don't want to repeat history. Especially not to repeat the parenting mistakes my parents made with me. With all my Soul, I want to be the best parent I can be to my daughter, and be the best husband I can be to my wife. This takes a lot of inner scrutiny, and a lot of fortitude, but I don't want to hurt the ones I Love the most. I don't want to hurt anybody any more, intentionally or not. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I want to Love myself the way that God Loves me, the way that my wife Loves me, and the way I hope our baby will Love me.


That takes introspection. Writing this Blog is helping me to see things, even if I don't share them with you. Sometimes I like the things I see. Other times I don't. But at least now, I am seeing them.

OK, enough of this mental vomit for now.