For Richer or Poorer, Better or Worse

Trien is worried about getting fat. She keeps talking about going on a diet. This first started last week, when she was trying on a maternity dress at a store. She needed a new one because her other maternity clothes don't fit her anymore. In the dressing room was something we don't have at home, a full length mirror. While trying on a dress, she saw her naked Mommy tummy for the first time in months.

I stuck my head through the curtain to see what was the matter.

"Honey! Look at me! Look at how big I am! I didn't know my tummy was that big! I'm HUGE!""
"It's OK Baby, I still Love you anyway. Anyway, you're just going to get bigger."
"I know! But look at me , Honey. I never thought I would look like this!"

That was when all the talk about going on a diet started.

I told her that she can't go on a diet until after the baby is born. While she is pregnant, she can eat all she wants. Not that she can eat a lot right now. She has to eat small meals, because there is not enough room to accommodate a large meal. If she eats too much, then it causes her pain, and she lets me know it. Sometimes a good fart will make her feel better. Other times nothing will help.

It's not like she is gorging every day. The only time she really eats more than what is comfortable is on Sunday, when she gets together with the other Filipina wives, and there is all sorts of good Filipino food to eat. Other than that, she keeps to a good diet of mostly veggies, fruit, and mostly chicken or fish. Oh yeah, sometimes she'll have a burger from Mickey D's, or I'll get a pizza from pizza hut, but other than that or the occasional muffin from the Ipoh Bakery downtown, it's good healthy food. You can't even consider her fondness for snacking on peanuts a nutritional detriment.

Yet she still wants to go on a diet. I point out to her that there is nothing wrong with eating good healthy food like she is doing. It is good for our baby. Going on a diet can hurt the baby and her development.

We were at the new market, buying fruit. Trien's favorite fruit is bananas. She eats more bananas than anyone else on the planet.

She only wanted to buy half a bunch. When I asked why, she said it was too much, that she would eat them all.

"Why? What's wrong with that? There aren't that many of them. Banana's are good for you. They will help your tummy trouble, and give you good nutrition."

So we bought them. Then later, she started to complain that she was eating too many bananas.
When I asked what was wrong with that, she said that Bruce, who you saw with his fiancee Dixie in a previous post about their motorcycle trip through Leyte, told her that body builders eat bananas so that they get big arms. He said he wanted Dixie to eat bananas because she was too skinny, and he wanted her to have bigger arms.

"Baby, he was only joking. Body builders have big arms because they work at it. They eat bananas for the potassium. Eating bananas without working out is not going to give you big arms."

"But look at my arms!" she said. "Look how big they are!"

"So? they didn't get that way because you are eating too many bananas. Besides I still love you anyway, big arms, big tummy, anything."

After that, I started to find out what was behind her always talking about dieting. One reason, of course, was simple vanity. OK, every woman has a share of vanity. We all do, to a certain extent. It just depends on how highly developed it is.

There was a deeper reason, that disturb me, and hurt me.

She is afraid that if she is a "fat mommy", that I won't find her attractive anymore. That I won't love her anymore. That I will find someone else.

I know where this is coming from.This is exactly what her father did. She thinks I will do what she saw her father do.

"I am not your father."

I have to say this to her now and then when she gets insecure or worried about how I might act or react.

"When I married you, I married you for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, skinny or fat. I love you, and you putting on weight is not going to change that. You are going to give birth to our daughter. What greater gift can a woman give a man? I love you for that. A little extra weight is not going to change the way I feel about you, or make me look for someone else."

Despite my efforts to reassure her, I know Trien is still a bit insecure. It's only natural, I guess, buy it also hurts me, because she doesn't realize or understand how much I love her. My whole world has changed because of her. She has given me new life, and given new depth and meaning to my life. She has brought something new out of my heart. She has made me feel things tat I thought I could never feel again, things that I had thought had been seared out of me in hot flashes of pain throughout my life.

How could I not Love her?

What hurts me is that she doesn't realize the depth of my Love for her, and she still feels insecure about it. I still have to prove myself to her, even after showing her one night in Cebu that I was willing to die to protect her.

That means that during this time, I'll have to Love her even more, and take special care of her.

She is the special woman in my life. I wouldn't want anything to change that. As far as I am concerned nothing will. Especially nothing as insignificant and external as a little added weight.
Especially since the reason for it is giving birth too our child.

My Love for her goes deeper than that.

Hopefully, one day she will realize that.