Saturday, August 25, 2007

My Latest Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Obsession

I have previously written about having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's something I can't deny. It's an everyday part of my life, just like eating and sleeping. Just like eating and sleeping, some days I end up obsessing and compulsing more than other days, depending on circumstances, such as how much idle free time I have. Obviously, the more idle free time I have, the more time I have to indulge my urge to eat, sleep, and perform my "rituals" (like hand washing), and obsess on things.

One of the ways that my OCD manifests is that I get the compulsion to collect things. Without a doubt, I am a pack rat. I have a hard time throwing anything, even the most meaningless piece of paper, out. It is a small triumph if I am able to go through the ever growing piles of paper and miscellaneous excreta on my desk at work and throw anything out.

When I have too much idle time, or get stressed, I go on these collecting jags. You never know what it might be that I will obsess on collecting. All I know is that I have to satisfy the urge somehow, or I start obsessing about it. Then, the collecting urge gets worse, in a vicious cycle. I have been able to stifle the urge somewhat, and not clutter our place, by downloading files from the Internet.

My portable hard drive has 1,150 songs on it. Every time I go to th Internet cafe, I end up downloading more. It seems that I want to download every song that has been background music to my life, because every song has a memory connected with it.

Memories, or actually the anticipation of memories to come, is what is feeding my latest collecting craze- baby toys, and things for our baby.

I got back yesterday, and showed Trien what I bought. She thought what I bought was reasonable and useful, and when her friends came over today, they liked it too. So I felt good.

Today I had to run out of the house and go find stuff to decorate the baby's room. I spent at least a half hour pondering the virtues of the various wind chimes in one of the local stores before one of the salesgirls came over and tried to help me. I explained why I was so obsessed with wind chimes, then finally realized I better come back tomorrow with Trien and have her help me pick one out. In the meantime, I bought one of the small ones. Why, I don't know. Maybe just to introduce the concept to my wife, and show her how nice it would be to put one, (or more) in Melody's room.

Then it was over to The Store (that is the department store chains name), to spend more time in the baby section looking at the toys, then at the toy session. Before you know it, three hours had gone by all together. I did get something great, some rattle socks they talked about in ythe baby development book. Buying those, for me, was a minor triumph. Then there was the cute baby overalls that were on sale . . .

I know that I am doing this because of stress, and impatience waiting for Melody to be born. Who knows how I will act, and what I will obsess on, after she is born.

Even I can't tell you that!